Early in my marriage, I received a ‘compliment’ I’ll never forget. My husband said to me, “Wow! You smell better!” He will never live that day down. Weight loss compliments always backfire spectacularly too. Here’s why and some tips on how to give great compliments.
My husband and I had been married for less than a year when I became very ill with a fever. After a few days in bed, my fever broke, and I finally felt well enough to take a shower.
I felt refreshed afterward and basked in that feeling until I received a hug from my husband and he uttered those words. “Are you telling me I stunk before?!,” I asked him. He backpedaled, insisting that he’d meant to give me a compliment, but the damage was done.
[Trigger warning for the remainder of this blog post for those with disordered eating issues or body image challenges]
Weight Loss Compliments Are Really Insults
Like my husband’s intended compliment about how I smelled, weight loss compliments are insulting. The biggest problem with congratulating someone on weight loss is the message you’re really giving the person.
When you praise their weight loss, what you’re really saying is, “Wow! You look better!” and what’s implied is that they looked terrible before. Your compliment may feel good to the person when you say it, but the subliminal message gets through loud and clear that there was something wrong with their appearance before now. We come in all shapes and sizes, which is to be celebrated.
You Don’t Know the Reason Their Body Size Has Changed
One time, when my husband and I were still heavily immersed in diet culture, we went on a diet together. We both lost weight, but how people responded to the change was different for me than it was for him. I started getting compliments about how great (how much better) I looked, while my husband was asked, “Have you been ill?” He felt really self-conscious about the responses he received compared to me, wondering why everyone assumed that if he had lost weight, it must have been because he had been sick and not because he was trying to lose weight and had succeeded.
Don’t assume that a body size change is intentional or good for the person. It may be due to illness, medication, or stress, or they may have disordered eating or body image issues.
You’re Complimenting Something That’s Temporary
It’s a well-known fact that diets don’t work. Studies show that around 95% of people who diet will gain the weight they lost back, and one-third to two-thirds will gain even more weight back than they had lost.
That praise might feel good to the person now, but how would remembering it feel once their lost weight returns? Years ago, when I was obsessed with weight loss and weighed myself daily, my weight would fluctuate by up to 8 pounds in a single day.
What to Say Instead
So, what can you do when you want to say something nice to someone? Compliment a quality of the person you admire or appreciate, rather than praising their appearance. A person’s qualities are their traits, which are stable across time, and their appearance is a state, which is temporary. And it’s great to express the effects of the qualities on you. Which of these compliments would mean the most to you?:
- “Your hair looks great today.” OR “I admire your confidence. I’m so inspired by you.”
- “That’s a nice shirt.” OR “I feel so comfortable with you. You really put me at ease.”
- “What cute shoes!” OR “I love your sense of humor.”
What memorable compliments have you received that either backfired or gave you a particularly warm feeling? Please let me know in the comments below.