When you’ve poured your heart into your work, stepping away can feel like losing a part of yourself. It’s not your fault. Our culture prizes achievement and teaches us to define ourselves by what we do.
If you find yourself asking, “Who am I without my work?”, and feeling aimless, you’re not alone. Struggling with this question can even keep us stuck in jobs we’re afraid to leave. That was true for me until I lost my job (more on that here).
But there’s good news: as a compassionate woman, you have unique gifts that can help you find direction and make decisions that are right for you. Let’s explore the three biggest barriers to finding your path forward and how to overcome them.
1 – Neglecting Physical and Mental Needs
As women, our culture teaches us to take care of others first, sometimes to the detriment of our own well-being. As compassionate women, we can easily fall into a pattern of self-neglect, especially when we’re so focused on caring for others.
You may find yourself running on autopilot, disconnected from your body’s sensations, thoughts, and feelings. You may feel out of control, overwhelmed by anxiety, and swamped by negative self-talk. When you step away from work, the routines that once provided structure disappear. This makes it even harder to recognize and consistently meet your physical and mental needs.
So, how can you consistently take good care of yourself?
Self-mastery is the key here. This means tuning into your body and mind with curiosity, not judgment. It’s about learning what makes you feel your best— such as how much sleep you need, which foods give you energy, and when you need to take a break and breathe.
Take Lisa, for example. When she first came to me, she was so focused on caring for others that she often neglected her own well-being. She felt stuck in a vicious cycle of anxious eating, self-punishment, and guilt.
On our first call, Lisa realized she was trying to control her body. She was attempting to suppress its natural cues, along with her thoughts and feelings. This only made her anxiety worse, and she would constantly blame herself for failing.
Lisa then started exploring what it felt like to be in charge of her body instead. She began to understand her needs by mindfully paying attention to her body’s signals, like hunger or anxiety triggers.
Lisa transformed her life by moving from self-neglect to self-mastery. She approached her body and mind with curiosity instead of judgment. That approach taught her to make conscious choices that supported her physical and mental well-being. It also helped her break free from the cycle of anxiety and negative self-talk.
You have the power to make this shift as well, to feel like a master of your own ship, accountable to yourself. Get curious and listen to your body—your most powerful ally. Doing so will allow you to give yourself the care you deserve. You will be well on your way to feeling capable, confident, and in charge of your own life.
2 – Tying Your Identity to Helping Others
If you’re like me, you’ve always been able to sense what people want and need, and you’ve probably felt a deep pull to support them. That drive likely guided you into work where you could wholeheartedly dedicate yourself to helping others, possibly for decades.
When that role ends, you realize how much of your self-worth and identity were wrapped up in what you did for others. It can feel like you’re letting people down when you’re no longer doing that work.
Your mind starts racing, trying to figure out how to fill that void inside that your work used to occupy. ‘Should’ you get a new job, maybe just something to help with the bills? ‘Should’ you volunteer? Start that business you’ve been dreaming of? Or, maybe for the first time, you’re thinking about doing something just for you—but the guilt and the ‘shoulds’ creep in, making you feel selfish for even considering it. It’s like you’re being pulled in so many directions, with all those expectations and obligations you impose on yourself weighing you down. Until you let them go, it’s hard to even think about what’s next.
How do you break free of the ‘shoulds’ and the guilt?
You’ve spent your whole life picking up these ‘shoulds.’ Your gift for knowing what others need has shaped them. The key is to start questioning them gently. Ask yourself, “Is this something I truly value, or is this what I think others expect from me?”
Show yourself the same compassion you’ve always shown to others, and you can start releasing the ‘shoulds’ and the guilt that come with doing something you want or need, and make choices guided by what truly matters to you.
That’s exactly what happened with Melissa. After a long career in education, she took early retirement when her job became more of a burden than a joy, and she found herself thinking, “I just can’t do this anymore.”
She felt relieved to leave her job behind. But soon, she found herself wondering, “Who am I without my job?” Years of putting everyone else’s needs first left her feeling empty. Constantly reshaping herself into the person she thought they needed only deepened that emptiness. All those sacrifices and efforts failed to bring her life the meaning she was looking for.
In our early sessions, Melissa realized that she had been living her life based on what she thought others needed or wanted from her. She explored those beliefs and started asking herself regularly, “Is that really true?”. She had never done this before. This practice helped her start letting go of the ‘shoulds’ she absorbed over the years.
For the first time, Melissa gave herself permission to focus on her own wants and needs. As she embraced them, she discovered a sense of peace and comfort in her own skin, realizing that her worth didn’t come from what she did for others—it came from being true to herself.
Maybe you’ve been doing the same, carrying the weight of what you think you ‘should’ do for others. Like Melissa, you may find that letting go of those ‘shoulds’ feels brand new and liberating. Give yourself the same compassion you so freely give to others, and you’ll reconnect with the person you’ve always been.
3 –Letting Uncertainty Hold You Back from Taking Action
Once you are free of the clutter of all those ‘shoulds,’ it can feel liberating but also tremendously unsettling, like sailing alone into uncharted waters. Before, you had expectations to meet and rules to follow. While living on other people’s terms can be boring and unfulfilling, there’s a certain comfort in following a well-trodden path.
Now, asking yourself what you want can feel strange, even anxiety-inducing, because it’s so unfamiliar. You’ve spent so much of your life focused on other people’s needs. And when you find yourself drawn to something unexpected—like doing absolutely nothing for a while—it can be unnerving. For someone like us, it’s hard to even admit that we might just want to relax and enjoy life.
How do you start living your life true to yourself?
The first step is to accept that uncertainty is just part of the journey. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Give yourself permission to explore—whether that means trying out new interests, rediscovering old passions, or even allowing yourself to relax and do nothing for a while. You’ve spent so much time focused on everyone else that it might feel a little weird to tune into what you want. And that’s totally fine.
You have a powerful inner compass to guide your actions, and it will become much easier to hear and act on as you begin to explore what truly matters to you. You can tap into your gift of supporting others to help you hear your inner wisdom more clearly.
You’ve gained so much life experience and wisdom, even if you can’t see the whole picture yet. The key is to just keep moving, even if it’s only one small step at a time. Your path may be hard to make out at first, but with each decision you make, it will grow brighter and easier to follow.
Take Amy’s experience. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, the world slowed down, and so did she. With time and space to reflect, Amy realized she didn’t want to go back to her job once the lockdown lifted. But just knowing this wasn’t enough—she had to act on it.
During one of our first calls, Amy imagined how she would counsel a loved one in the same situation. It came to her in an instant: she’d encourage them to leave that stressful job, even without a clear plan for what came next. This shift in perspective gave Amy the courage to make her well-being a priority and leave her job—without knowing exactly where she was headed.
After she gave herself permission to take that bold step, doors began to open. As soon as she shared her decision with family and clients, she felt an immense relief and a sense of freedom she hadn’t felt before. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a thought popped up—what about that book she’d always dreamed of writing? Before, that dream had been buried deep under all the ‘shoulds.’ But now that she was listening and acting on her inner guidance, that idea came to life, and she began to write, filled with inspiration and energy.
Whether Amy’s book would become a bestseller or just something she cherished, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that she was doing something she loved—something that felt real, that was uniquely hers. By embracing the unknown, Amy found a life full of meaning, joy, and a story she was excited to share with the world.
So, if you’re feeling like you need to have it all figured out before you move forward, remember Amy’s story. Moving forward isn’t about knowing every turn of the path; it’s about trusting your inner compass and taking that first step, even if it’s small. And as you keep going, trust that the next steps will light up right when you need them.
Life Is Too Short Not to Live It True to Yourself
Hopefully, by now, you’re starting to feel that pressure lift from your chest. It’s okay to prioritize yourself and your needs—and it’s okay if you don’t have a clear plan for what comes next. You don’t have to do anything, and if you don’t even want a “next” right now, that’s perfectly fine.
But if you feel it may help to talk things through with someone who’s been where you are and will listen with an open heart, I’d love to offer that space for you. Feel free to schedule a free call—I’d be honored to explore what matters most to you and share a few suggestions to help you step into this next chapter with grace and comfort.
If this post resonates with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. And if you know someone who could benefit from these words, please share this post with them.